Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
now i know why i became what i already was.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
