Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Please don't give away my fajitas
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
