Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
