my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
