Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The air was thick with penises
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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