last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
