I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My vagina just clenched in fear
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
