pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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