Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
