i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
