Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
