My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
