She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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