there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
