your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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