if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
