too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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