I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
