My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize