I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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