i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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