i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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