??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
