If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
