I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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