My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
