Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
