some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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