I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
