i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think i have herpe
just one?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
handjob tips. give me some.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
