I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
it's like iHOP with fire
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize