Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
