Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
