Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
