...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
