Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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