god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
