How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
