omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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