fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
