I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
