All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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