I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
