don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
