this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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