I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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