some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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