my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
