So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
