Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
