I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
