How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
