All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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