Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
