the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
