I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
