so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
