Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
