We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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