Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
