You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
