why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize