My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
you are never too drunk for berry picking
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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